Effort Inflation

In 1983 I went for a job, working the night shift at Dennys on a strip in the Seattle suburbs. Minimum wage, 10pm to 8am, clearing tables and stuff. No tips. No opportunity. No future.

I was interviewed by a besuited self-important twat all of a year older than me, who asked me his key question: "If I employ you, out of ten, how much effort are you gonna give me?" I considered this question seriously for a while, added a few marks to make myself look keen, and said "About 7 out of 10".

Kids, you may want to find a better mentor when it comes to passing interviews, but it did at least maintain my dignity, and saved myself from a lifetime of pancakes and eggs sunnyfuckingsideup.

Of course, those were simpler times, and England had yet to catch the American passion for over-inflated effort. And when it did drift across the Atlantic, we would all raise our eyebrows in contempt, or use our quotient of effort ironically.

But somewhere along the way, 110% became the minimum effort any sportsman could give, and frankly if that's all you've got to offer you might as well haul your sorry ass over to an all-day breakfast emporium and tuck in..

And much like with football transfer fees once we broke the million pound ceiling, once 110% was no longer sufficient things began to spiral out of control. I look back with nostalgia on the first time I heard someone giving it a 1000% per cent. What a piss-poor effort that seems today.

So, it's lucky we still have Simon Cowell, our last great pioneer, a frontiersman capable of breaking through the effort barrier. On Saturday he gave it a million percent. Now I don't know these days if that is even enough to work the graveyard shift at Denny's, but it's leaving me looking pretty unemployable at 7 out of 10.

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