John Crace

Guardian readers will be familiar with his "Digested Reads", where he takes a newly-released book, and parodies it to within an inch of its life, before leaving it broken-spined on the floor of literary ambition. I've linked to a parody of Jamie Oliver as an example, but he's even better taking on proper literature.

So his new book "Brideshead Abbreviated" is a must for bibliophiles everywhere. 100 books spanning the 20th century, all the usual suspects:

Here's some snippets:

"Why did you shoot him?" the magistrate asked me. "It was too hot." "Do you miss your mother?" "I'm not bovvered." "Do you believe in God?" "I said, I aint bovvered."




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The boy with the fair hair wasn't in the least perturbed that the plane he'd been flying in had been shot down or that the adults had all been killed while all the boys had survived without a scratch. Instead he played contentedly on the golden beach in the Garden of Eden.




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"We still gonna get some lan' George?"
"We sure are Lennie"
"An' rabbits?"
"Lotsa rabbits" George said, putting his gun to the back of Lennie's neck and pulling the trigger.
"What's bin happenin' here?" Slim asked
"Ah've just killed the American Dream"
"But it aint such bad news for the rabbits."




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"You are going to have to learn DoubleThink" O'Brien observed kindly. as electrodes were fitted to Winston's body/ "The art of holding two contradictory beliefs at the same time."
"Ok, OK I believe this is both a ponderous and didactic political allegory and the most brilliant critique of Soviet Russia."




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Arthur went back to the pub to drink 2,764 pints and smoke 346 packets of woodbines. A car knocked him down on the way home. He swore loudly, pushed the car over a wall and reset his 17 broken bones. It was just a normal Saturday night.




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"This book has gone on way too long as it is" Fermina Daza told her children, explaining her decision to take a river cruise with Florentino Ariza. "If I don't give in now, we could be in for another three hundred pages."




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Make a lovely Christmas present for the right person....