Cucumbers

Something I seem entirely unable to grow in my greenhouse. And just as well really. Because for all of Anne's 500 cookery books, (when I'm long gone, and she finally dies they will have to dig her out of the house, tunnelling in through the cat-holes to find her in a small space in the spare room crushed by floor-to-ceiling food magazines), for all her devotion to risible TV cookery programmes, she has NEVER CARVED A CUCUMBER BASKET.

I saw one of these on "The Great Outdoors" (gentle tongue-in-cheek documentary last night) and was so excited I didn't even notice what sumptuous smackerel was being used to fill the basket. Whatever it was I bet it was slathered in mayonnaise.

It was almost as exciting as my nan's annual Christmsn Eve treat of "mushrooms in the grass" - meringues on green jelly to the infidels amongst you. (Evaporated milk as optional snow-fall)

I feel let down. Betrayed. Scales fall from my eyes,. The Empress has no clothes on. If Anne has left me wanting in the carved cucumber basket department all these years what other magical food treats am I being denied? Pray tell...


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