In praise of...in praise of (part 2)

And so the shameless never-ending farewell world tour continues. Over the year I did find the creative juices flowing occasionally. I'll cobble together the best few and see if I can get them published somewhere.

Here's the countdown of my personal top twenty...

20. Cucumbers - (the one where Anne left me wanting in the carved-cucumber-basket department).

19. Experimental Novels (part 2) - (a not very well-received trilogy, but I enjoyed writing this one on Geoff Ryman's 253, not least because, as in the book, it was exactly 253 words long - not that anyone noticed!)

18. Fat Cooks - (the shortest of all in praise ofs, but which kick-started an interesting discussion on the merits of vegetarians, fat or thin, and presaged our decision to give up meat for the year).

17. The New Austerity - (a little bit of politics there, as Draco Malfoy's henchman prepares to arse-rape the public sector. I'm away on 20th October but feel free to rewind and play).

16. Growing things from seed - (the cost of grow-feed, slug-pellets, vitamins, homeopathic remedies, acupuncture etc that all good middle class seedlings need to survive according to the Guardian weekend gardening page £125)

15. Fields of rape - (where every village has a frigging Brigadier)

14. Killing Slugs - (which was actually a satire on that day's Israeli act of atrocity, but garnered only more advice on how to kill slugs...)

13. Playing Tennis - (the one where the yummy mummies of East Sheen are distracted by my top-spin lacking lobs and sheer athletic magnetism).

12./11. A Few Good Men/Spooks (we need them on that fence-line).

10. Wearing shorts all summer - (the one where I like to swing free, whilst old people wear enough gore-tex to get them to the south pole).

9. Striking up conversation with complete strangers - (the one where the slightly slutty shop mannequin is pleasingly soulless, but slightly aloof. Also headless.)

8. Watching my dog and cat play - (A Florentine analogy).

7. Growing Tomatoes - (Take that, Titchmarsh. Jog on, Monty Don).

6. Completer-finishers - (or congratulations on completing the Shifnal half-marathon).

5. Liberating Pickles - (a cautionary tale, pour encourager les autres).

4. Irrationally hating certain singers - (where Jennifer Rush and evafuckingcassidy get their comeuppances, with help from wikipedia).

3. Sir Woy Hodgson - (a sentimental tale of Fulham).

2. Being a regular - (the one where The Guardian is hidden away behind Fisting and Orgasm).

1. Bobby's love affair with my underwear - (where it's been my suspicion that for years female visitors have been sneaking upstairs and nicking my under-dungies).

Looking through them I also noticed that I gave you a total of six select gambling tips over the course of the year. Imperial Commander won the Gold Cup at 10/1 and I also gave out the 1,2 in the Oaks, a whopping 300/1 forecast (which Iain at least was prescient enough to take notice of). And I suggested we all jump on Chris Hollins's pink-sequinned high-stepping campervan of love at 6/1. How d'ya like them apples...


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